Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire

Well I'm now a little over a week removed from the working life. Time to kick up my feet, take a load off, lay back, rest up, stress out...wait, what? Yeah, hard to say it but as hard as working life is, the hangover that ensues when you're dropped from employment cold turkey can at times be worse.

Having done this three times before, I decided to try a slow withdrawal and the jury's still out on whether I made the right move. I stuck around Pittsburgh for a few extra days, because after living there for four months I couldn't stand the idea of leaving the people I had come to know and love so easily. That was certainly well worth it!

But now I'm out of house and home - I let my subletter keep the apartment until the end of the month. I stopped by New York briefly this past weekend to drop some stuff off and catch up with old friends. It was bizarre feeling, like being a stranger in a familiar land, being back at my apartment but sleeping on the couch. Watched the South Carolina primary results come in with my brother, and played a drinking game to Gingrich's speech. "History?" Drink. "Radical?" Drink. "Fundamental?" Drink. "Baloney?" Eat bologna. I was home.

But just as New York was beginning to feel familiar again, I hopped back on an airplane bound for home in Birmingham. Birmingham in late-January is a strange time, that I don't have a lot of recent experience in. The last time I came home in late-January was for a weekend to be an escort at a debutante-like event when I was a senior in high school. It was warm then, and it's surprisingly warm now. It was 73 degrees when I stepped out of the airport and I felt ridiculous wearing layers, especially one with "omni-heat." And it's weird being home at such a non-traditional time to be home. Usually I'm only home during the holidays, when all my friends are also home.

I'll be kicking around for the next two weeks, before returning to New York to move back into my room and start hoping for a new job. As grueling as life is while on the job, the waiting game while off the job can at times be worse. I may not find another project until March, and when you're so used to being on your feet all day every day, it feels strange to pull such a 180.

An Up-At-Dawn, Pride-Swallowing Siege That I Will Never Fully Tell You About

There's really no easy way to describe my current state of life. There always comes a time in every job, sometimes it is the entirety of the job, where you just set your speed to ludicrous speed. I mean I think this whole industry operates within the realm of "ridiculous speed," but there's something about these last two weeks that's just made everything go plaid.

And I suppose it's a misnomer to call it ludicrous speed, because what it really boils down to is endurance, not speed. It's a marathon, not a sprint. In the final 15 days of shooting, I will have one day off. It was last Sunday, and it was spent primarily in bed.

It's now been about a week since I wrote the first two paragraphs of this post, and I'd be hard-pressed to remember any specific detail of the last 168 hours. It literally has been "an up-at-dawn, pride-swallowing siege" - with the only thing changing throughout the week was whether I was waking up at dawn or just getting back to the office at the end of the night at dawn. Either way, I saw the sun rise every day this week.

That being said, this week couldn't have been better in every aspect of my life. For six of the eight days, we split off the C camera from the Main Unit to shoot a variety of inserts, and I had the good fortune of being assigned to that "splinter unit." It was a highly educational, highly hands-on, and highly exhausting experience. I don't know how someone can do that on a larger scale for an entire 60+ day schedule!

And so, another day has passed in the process of writing this post, and so it is that we have officially wrapped on this movie. I'm at the production office, tying up loose ends on the paperwork front, and I was struck by a quote that's haphazardly taped up outside the AD dept office.

"You have never been inside a film studio? It is really a palace of the 16th Century. There one sees what Shakespeare saw: the absolute power of the tyrant, the courtiers, the flatterers, the jesters, the cunningly ambitious intriguers. There are fantastically beautiful women... incompetent favorites... great men who are suddenly disgraced... insane extravagances... unexpected parsimony... enormous splendor, which is a sham... horrible squalor hidden behind the scenery... vast schemes abandoned because of some caprice... secrets which everybody knows and no one speaks of. There are even two or three honest advisors: These are the court fools, who speak the deepest wisdom in puns, lest they should be taken seriously. They grimace, and tear their hair privately, and weep."

It's easy to look back on a job and be nostalgic. As brutally painful as every job has been and will be, at the end of it all, your mind paints over all the rough parts. Call it denial, call it a coping mechanism, but it keeps me going. It is that balance of tyranny and courtship, flattery, jokes, and intrigue that wakes me up every day, keeps me going for 16-20 hours, and then allows me to sleep with peace of mind. [Oh and as one training to become an AD, I am training to be the court fool in that scenario].

Pittsburgh will always have a special place in my heart. I was reminded of an old Calvin and Hobbes strip that I enjoyed as a kid, and now have a whole different take on. I'm not dead yet, but somehow I landed in Pittsburgh. And fear not, my anthropomorphic stuffed friend, things are good in Pittsburgh.

Rubbin' is Racin'

So I've decided to title all my blog posts from here until I end this job - what two, going on 10, weeks? - after random quotes from Tom Cruise movies. [Bonus points to whoever can name this post's reference]

But aside from that, I also wanted to throw up a quick post here before I go to bed (just got back from the office...it's 1am) because something rather exciting happened at work today. I mean, to everyone else at work, it was nothing and certainly, within the grand scheme of the movie, it was nothing. But to me, it was a reminder of why I got into this line of work and why I could not sit at a desk for 60 hours a week. What happened today was fresh, thrilling, it was a rush!

Basically we've come to the point in filming where you've got to tie up loose ends. Throughout a filming schedule, there are always those little things - inserts, close-ups, push-ins - that can't quite fit within the confines of a day's shooting schedule and are cast out in the milieu of last weeks' work. And so without fail, here we were at the stage trying to get those missing shots. One such shot was a push-in on Tom in a car. Sounds simple right. The car doesn't have to move. Tom just needed to move his head ever so slightly. But to make the scene feel alive and natural within the rest of the scene we shot over three months ago, there needed to be movement of other traffic behind. That's where I came in...

The 2nd 2nd AD has done a terrific job of immersing me into other aspects of the job of an AD. Before the holiday hiatus, he had me place a street full of background actors, give them intentions, what have you. It was exciting to feel like an active contributor to the creative process, since after all this is a creative industry. But today, he had a new job for me: Be part of the traffic moving behind to keep this push-in alive.

And so, I swiped the 2nd AD's keys, hopped in his car, and got to my start mark. The mission was simple enough. Be one of two cars to drive behind Tom's car at a natural speed, a distance of about 100 feet. Easy, right? Oh wait, but we're going to keep rolling for a while and do numerous looks all in one take, so as soon as you clear the frame, whip around and get ready to cross again. Because, may I remind you, there are only two cars. Yes, it would make sense to have more cars, but the road was tight (made even tighter by a condor lift in the middle of the road. So, as the two cars are crossing, you basically graze past each other and then attempt to do-si-do around until you're lined up again. Oh yeah, and there's always the chance a train might roll through. Sounding a little more tricky now right?

But for me it was awesome! It beat the mundane monotony that is paperwork. I was pushing pedal to the metal, doing some epic K-turns (is that an oxymoron?), and reacting to my surroundings. I felt like a stunt guy (God only knows what kind of driving actual stunt guys are expected to handle).

At the same time, it was a humbling experience. I was so jazzed up about an element of the movie that is so miniscule within the greater scheme of things. Surely the shot is so tight on Tom's face that my peeling out in a silver Nissan Sentra rental only provides a hint of reflected light on his cheek. Yet it actually felt like something. Something real. And that's ultimately the role I want to have within this industry, preferably on a larger more noticeable scale. To further quote the mystery movie that lent today's blog its title, "I'm more afraid of being nothing than I am of being hurt." What department I need to be in to best achieve that goal is anyone's guess, but right now I appreciate being where I am and being able to do the diverse things I get to do each day.

The Things We Think and Do Not Say

"That's how you become great, man. Hang your balls out there."

You know that feeling where you go into a situation totally set. You’ve got your lines down, your game face on, you can make this shot. Then the actual situation passes in a blur, and you walk away thinking, “Wait a second…” I've come away from a lot of situations lately with that nagging feeling, and I always come back to the same phrase: “The things we think and do not say.” Initially, I just assumed it must be a Shakespeare quote, maybe the title of a Faulkner short story, it just sounds so damn poetic. But finally giving into my curiosity and the almighty Google, I did a quick search... Jerry. Maguire. Of course! I thought. How could I not remember one of the great quotes from one of my all-time favorite movies! My excitement was quickly replaced by embarrassment, however, as here I was at my computer, watching a clip of Tom Cruise have "a breakthrough. Breakdown? Breakthrough." And just a few yards away, Tom Cruise was having a similar breakthrough in the scene we're shooting that day.

But I find it interesting that there are things I think and do not say all the time, both at work and outside of work. What's more, those at work have a tendency to work for me, while those in life have a tendency to undermine me. I don't know if that speaks more to the nature of my work or to the work of my nature. Yes, I work with an assortment of "sharks in suits," and sure, there are days where "I hate my place in the world." But I think more than anything these diametrically opposing phenomena are characteristic of a work/life balance that I just haven't seemed to figure out yet.

I'll admit such a realization might be a little touchy-feely. One could argue that a healthy work/life balance is about as attainable as the Holy Grail. But I think the film industry is especially susceptible to that dilemma. When working on average 80-90 hours a week in a self-contained, autonomous community, it's easy to see why there are times I feel closer to my on-set "brothers" than my actual brothers (ok, maybe that's a bit exaggerated...). But the bonds I've made with the people I've worked with are intense, seemingly irrevocable, until we are ripped apart by those four little words.

"That's a picture wrap!"

And I confess that part of me really loves that kind of lifestyle. I was talking with an old high school friend earlier tonight, who's curious about entering the film industry, and I told her that, in many ways, the film industry is like high school or college. Projects only last somewhere between two and four months, so a bad job is like a bad class. Sucks you got a bad grade on the first exam and the teacher picks on you. But hunker down, get through it, because eventually all bad classes/jobs come to an end.

"That's a picture wrap!"

And like that, I'm back to my first day of a new semester, trying to make friends with the new kids...

But the thing that makes work so great, I think, is that you're almost expected not to say the things you think. Barriers are inevitably set up at work, a certain professional detachment is commonplace. And apparently I live for that. But, to quote a guilty-pleasure show I've occasionally indulged in, "At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. So you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them." And that's where things have gotten murky in my life. On the off chance that I actually dare to cross the line, the things I'm thinking are racing so fast, I trip over trying to say them and invariably recoil back within my boundaries.

So what am I getting at? I suppose it is the realization that, at least for now, my work is my life. And in the words of Jerry's mentor, the late great Dickey Fox, "The key to this business is personal relationships." So I will continue to foster personal relationships at work and, as best I can, in life. Hopefully that line will eventually fade and those boundaries will break down, and I will "become the me I was meant to be."

This Nomadic Life

Let me start off by saying that I did not take this picture. I a) do not have a small child and b) would never strap a suitcase strap across a baby's forehead. But I will acknowledge that it made me chuckle, so I thought I'd share.

So I made it to Pittsburgh and was greeted by snow flurries. One of my friends from home wrote that I had gotten out just before it got cold down there. I responded that it's like the cold version of out of the frying pan into the fire (out of the ice cream into the ice box? I don't know, I'll figure something out). But yes, at long last I've returned to my home away from home for the last four months: the Wyndham Grand Pittsburgh Downtown. There is something very magical about this city, even when dipped in the hues of drab wintry grey. The trip from the airport into downtown (or "dahntahn" as the locals would have it) is for the most part pretty sparse; billboards, shipping depots, trees, lots and lots of trees. But then you go through the Fort Pitt Tunnel, through Mt. Washington, and the city just opens up - the Ohio to the left, the Monongahela to the right, the Allegheny streaking across, Heinz Field and PNC Park smack dab in front of you, bridges galore (apparently only second to Venice, I've been assured), and buildings that look like comic book bad guy hangouts. This past weekend I actually had a spirited conversation with a friend, who had visited Pittsburgh once, about how underrated it is. She said something to the effect of "if you can get past the name, it's actually a really cool city."

So here I am, perched in my urban asylum, contemplating the life I have begun to forge for myself - or at least the one that's being forged whether I like it or not.

There's something to be said for a nomadic lifestyle like this. For one, you come home to a made bed and clean towels daily. But at the same time, you're coming "home" to an antiseptic cave, devoid of any character or personality other than the cookie-cutter nautilus shell and flower vase still life that hangs above the toilet. So it got me thinking... really it's had me thinking for a while now. There are basically three jurisdictional zones in the Directors Guild - New York, Los Angeles, and Everywhere Else. As I get further into this industry (and as the industry gets increasingly less centralized around LA and NYC), I'm seeing the benefit of living in a more tolerable city - like Pittsburgh... Or Atlanta, New Orleans, New Mexico even (not a city, I know). Then from there, I could navigate the "Third Zone" and basically live my life out of a suitcase (like the baby pictured above, lest you thought I'd forget to somehow tie that in!) Is this a sustainable lifestyle? Suitable even? So I've started weighing the pros and cons of a nomadic life like that.

PROS

• A lot of exciting traveling to a lot of potentially really cool places.
• A steady stream of new friends coming into my life.
• No commitments.
• The hope of living in warmer climes.

CONS

• A lot of exhausting traveling to a lot of potentially really lame places.
• A steady stream of old friends exiting from my life.
• No commitments.
• The threat of living in colder climes.

So as you can see, my analysis needs to dig deeper. I suppose I need to get my priorities in order before I make any binding decisions. I always go back to the age-old parental advice to never close off any doors. My time in Pittsburgh over the last four months has been eye-opening. It's encouraging to see that there is life in this industry outside of New York and Los Angeles, and there are people within the industry - within my own department - who have chosen not to live in New York and Los Angeles and are still working on really awesome jobs!

I don't know what the future has in store, but boy am I psyched for it! And so we beat on, boats against the current, and if we're borne back ceaselessly into the past, as the quote continues, so be it. If my past has any bearing on my future, then I say bring it on.

No Resolutions Without Some Resolve

I'm sitting in the Baltimore Airport, going on hour two of my epic layover before my flight to Pittsburgh (explanation to follow). A flight to Portland just left from my gate, a couple hundred people clearing out to a city I've never seen. And as I continue to wait with my paltry Pittsburgh-bound "family" of fellow passengers, it has occurred to me that I never once updated my blog in 2011.

So as we set off on 2012, with a renewed sense of conviction and a self-awareness of my inability to communicate well, I'm back.

This past year has been, for lack of a better word, eventful. I'm now going into my "4th quarter" of the DGA program - basically all that signifies is that I get a slight uptick in my pay rate and I'm just moments away from being discharged to the fun-filled, fast-paced world of freelance. But before getting too bogged down in the prospects of the future, I suppose I should attempt to make some sense of the past. I'm in the homestretch of my fourth job since becoming a DGA trainee - a Tom Cruise movie, called "One Shot," which is filming in Pittsburgh (thus why I'm awaiting a flight to Pittsburgh). Since finishing "The Sitter," which apparently is my only frame of reference for this blog so far, I worked on Season 2 of HBO's "Boardwalk Empire" and Sacha Baron Cohen's new soon-to-be-released shock-mock "The Dictator," which "tell[s] the heroic story of a dictator who risked his life to ensure that democracy would never come to the country he so lovingly oppressed." Every job has presented unique challenges and opportunities, and I've had the privilege of working with some of the best people in the film industry. As I delve deeper into this blog in the coming weeks and months, I'll elaborate more, provide fun anecdotes, and ruminate on the film industry and my place in it.

Outside of work, I've had the chance to check off more world destinations from my bucket list - visiting Paris in late-May and Kaua'i, Hawai'i in late September. I climbed the Eiffel Tower at midnight and learned to surf (sort of) in the embrace of Puff the Magic Dragon, but I still get no greater contentment than when I fly home to Birmingham (my Alabama license expires this year, and I'll be damned if they make me switch over to New York!) In an industry with such uniformity of experience, my Alabama-ness is probably the most interesting thing about me.

Oh and I'm no longer waking up in Brooklyn! My roommates and I finally sold out (more like got kicked out) in June, making the big move from downtown BK to a much much much much smaller place in the East Village. My room, which I'm subletting while in Pittsburgh, isn't much larger than my bed and makes for fun times trying to get to the bathroom on the other side (depending on my mood, I do some kind of variant of a hood slide or somersault).

So I welcome 2012 and the prospects that come with it! Thank you 9 followers for sticking with me, I promise to keep things exciting and will hopefully attract new converts. I'm too lazy and uncreative right now to think of a new, more appropriate blog title, so WUIB it'll have to remain.